Frogs and Snails and Puppy dog Tails…

“Mom… MOM”
My 16 year old son bangs the door and comes into where I am fixing his milk in the kitchen. He yanks me to him roughly, gives me a careless kiss on my eyebrow and demands something ‘nice’ to eat.
“Cheese toast?
“Nah!”
“Popcorn?”
“No mom, something exciting”
“Chocolate cookies? Rasgulla? Homemade cake?”
“Boring” he said morosely and then a smile lights his face.
“I know! I want MAGGIE!” Then seeing my expression he says, “Don’t worry ma, I’ll make it myself.”
The old rhyme was true. While girls are made of sugar and spice and all that’s nice, boys are made of frogs and snails and puppy dog tails. My boys manage to constantly shock, disgust and irritate me. The only reason I tolerate them is because no one will adopt them and well, let me admit, they make me laugh…and laugh…and laugh!

“Mom…MOM”
Does the boy think I’m deaf? “Yes boy, here I am two feet away from you.”
“Mom, smell this” And he comes close to me and breathes out with all his might into my face. When I move my head away involuntarily, he says, hurt, “Mom, smell …smell please, then I’ll tell you why.” Fearing the worst (Cigarette? Alcohol?) I take a full whiff of his mouth odour.
“What?” I demand, backing off.
“Is my mouth smelling fresh? I mean a girl won’t be put off because of bad breathe, will she?”
This is worse than cigarettes and alchohol.
“GIRL? Which girl?”
“Oh! No girl mom. Just asking.”
Sure; I believe that. Is it too early to talk about birth control?

“Mom…MOM…I need you urgently. ”
He’s standing before the mirror, with the most tragic expression.
“Mom, where did THESE come from?” he says pointing to a rash of acne.
“From your dirty thought about girls.” I said heartlessly.
“Well, would you prefer that I was gay then?” He retorts while poking at his pimples.
I almost said that that would involve dirty thoughts about boys but desisted.

“Mom…mom… see the new picture that I took”
“Goodness! What in the world is it?”
“It’s the picture of a dead cat that I saw lying in the rubbish bin. One of its eyes was hanging out. I’ll show you the close up”
How wonderfully aesthetically pleasing!

“Mom…Mom. I’ve decided what I want for my b’day gift.
“NO boy, you are not getting either the drum set nor the rabbits”
“Oh mom, trust me. It’s something small and cute and it’s not going to take up any space and its not going to create a mess either.”
Consideration? Could it be that the boy has finally grown up?
OK, so what is it?”
“First say ‘yes’.
“No”
“Mom….”
“OK, what is it?”
“An anti Christ tattoo on my upper arm!”
Lovely! I’m speechless.
“Nope”
“OK, then can I have a snake?”
“A snake tattoo? NO!’
“No mom, a real snake. See, it’ll keep away all the rats and vermin and they are pretty easy to keep. It’ll live in my room. Pleeeese mom…pleeeese…”

These conversations took place within the span of a week. The creatures bathe, brush and shampoo only because some girl may look at them. They talk only loudly, they watch porn and exchange dirty SMSes, and they are totally irreverent and disrespectful about their teachers and parents.

QED: Boys are definitely made of frogs and snails and puppy dog tails!